


sitting on a throne of bones

by gothdolly



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Anxiety, Birthday, Crying, Eating Disorders, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, One Shot, Panic Attacks, this is literally just me projecting onto jared i am so sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-29 18:11:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19025218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothdolly/pseuds/gothdolly
Summary: The boy opened it up to find a chocolate cupcake with frosting and an insane variety of toppings.It took everything in Jared to not let his smile drop and to burst into tears, knowing that doing so would result in Evan’s anxiety going haywire and a consequential panic attack.Instead, he grinned and thanked Evan with a rushed kiss before they parted ways to go to their respective first periods.





	sitting on a throne of bones

**Author's Note:**

> big trigger warning for like ,, everything in the tags  
> title is from please eat by nicole dollanganger

It wasn’t that Jared hated his birthday.

It was a day where the focus was on him, where people took time out of their days to actually make an effort to talk to him. He would never admit it aloud but he wished _people would pay that much attention to him more often._

There were just parts of it he didn’t like. He wasn’t too sure if those parts outweighed the upsides and he was scared to find out.

_The thought of birthday cake and having a celebratory dinner._

The prospect of that part flooded his mind as his mother wished him a happy birthday and as he was engulfed in a hug from her.

He continued to get ready for school, turning to the mirror he noticed that his face was _too round_ and his eye bags were unbelievably dark and his hair wouldn’t sit quite right and realized that maybe he didn’t want all this attention on him anyway.

By the time he’d reached the school gates, he had decided that today wouldn’t be a good day after all.

 

Trudging into the school, he heard voices of people wishing him a good day.

Pushing down the anxiety and self-hatred that was consuming him, Jared shone a bright smile and thanked them with the usual overly confident and slightly sarcastic act he’d put on.

He continued on his way to his locker only to find his boyfriend, Evan, waiting for him and holding a large bouquet of flowers.

Evan beamed brightly at the sight of Jared and raced forwards to give him an enormous hug and peck on the lips.

There was less of Jared to hug, there was absolutely no denying that but Evan didn’t comment.  

He stepped back and offered Jared the flowers.

“These are Lilies! I don’t think there’s a flower that means happy birthday exclusively but these represent happiness and positivity and I wanted you to feel those things today! Oh and I’m sorry I couldn’t get you something-“ Evan rambled off before being interrupted by Jared.

“Evan seriously, it’s fine. Thank you!” Jared exclaimed with some remnants of a real smile replacing his perfected fake one.

His boyfriend visibly relaxed at the reassurance before widening his eyes.

“Oh! I made you this!” He said with a small giggle.

Evan reached into his backpack and produced a small white cardboard box before handing it to Jared.

The boy opened it up to find a chocolate cupcake with frosting and an insane variety of toppings.

It took everything in Jared to not let his smile drop and to burst into tears, knowing that doing so would result in Evan’s anxiety going haywire and a consequential panic attack.

Instead, he grinned and thanked Evan with a rushed kiss before they parted ways to go to their respective first periods.

Evan was too pleased to notice that Jared was headed in the opposite direction of his Computer Science class.

 

Jared, instead, found himself locked in a stall on the second-floor men’s bathroom, biting down on his wrist to keep from emitting a loud sob.

His gift was so thoughtful and all Jared could do was be mad at himself for not being able to enjoy it or fully appreciate it. He didn’t see a cupcake _all he saw was love from Evan and numbers of calories_. He was beyond ashamed to admit that the numbers outweighed the obvious effort and thought his boyfriend had put in.

He couldn’t let Evan see that.

He’d worry and he had enough on his plate, he didn’t need Jared’s issues too.

So Jared took his glasses off, dried them, wiped his eyes, and left the stall, splashing water in his face and running a hand through his hair before pushing his spectacles back upon his nose and making his way to the door.

He left the bathroom and finally made his way to class, forcing his shaky hands into finger guns directed towards various students.

As long as he told himself he was, then he’d be fine.

 

The rest of his day continued in a similar fashion.

He spent it receiving endless good wishes from people who didn’t know the first thing about him and ignoring the fact that his cupcake seemed to be weighing down his backpack.

He was in constant fear that his façade was slipping and people were seeing how truly broken he was.

Of all the days that Jared could’ve reached his breaking point, of course, it was on his birthday.

He took a deep breath in and went to meet Evan outside of the school. They were spending the night together.

Jared didn’t know how much longer he could keep this up.

 

They’d made it to Jared’s house, sitting in front of the TV and watching some movie.

Evan was invested but Jared couldn’t pay attention to what was happening. His mind was racing and so far away from where it should’ve been.

Before he knew it, he was slipping away. With a pounding head and teary eyes, he felt his breathing shallow and something wet sliding down his cheek.

Then he remembered Evan’s presence and realized that _this couldn’t be happening, he can’t know._

Much to his surprise, his red and teary eyes were met with Evan’s identically upset ones.

“It’s just such a sad scene,” Evan hiccupped while cuddling closer to Jared.

All the boy could do was let out a meek nod, grateful for a reason to finally break down.

He just _shouldn’t have been so upset that he wouldn’t have a reason to finally open the fuck up._

The rest of the night continued in an identical sense.

The two boys watching movie upon movie and cuddling, embracing the warmth the other provided.

Jared felt bad that he was using Evan as a distraction to his plethora of issues when Evan seemed to be having a genuinely nice time.

Despite the boy’s presence, Jared was still so far from okay.

He knew that bottling it up would do him no good, that he’d end up clutching a razor and crying later on. He also knew that by doing that then he’d be hurting nobody but himself.

He was pulled from his thoughts by the opening of the front door and the smell of food.

Jared thought that he might throw up.

 

Surely enough, his mother had arrived home from work with several boxes of pizza and a cake in tow.

Answering his mother’s seemingly never-ending questions about his day, Jared could think of nothing except for the box of pizza she’d placed in front of the two boys.

He picked up two pieces with trembling hands and dumped them on his plate.

Everything around him was slow and fake. There was no Evan and no movie in the background.

Jared was drowning.

Steadying his breathing, he picked at his pizza. He scraped the toppings off and ripped it into pieces. He did anything but consume it.

He looked over at Evan.

The boy had finished eating and was balancing his plate on his knee, unsure of what to do with it.

Jared quickly scooped up Evan’s plate and took both the plates into his kitchen.

It was the perfect excuse to dispose of his uneaten food and he would be insane to not immediately take it.

He slid the now cold pile of dough and toppings into the trashcan and balanced the plates on the sink before sitting back down next to his boyfriend.

He zoned out looking into Evan’s eyes, they were the only light that Jared had left in his life.

 

The clicking sound of a lighter brought him back to reality.

He sheepishly dragged himself to where his mother and boyfriend stood.

They were behind a small angel cake with candles protruding from its surface and each of them donned a bright smile.

The two of them began to sing.

“Happy birthday to you,”

_Jared’s life was at its lowest._

“Happy birthday to you,”

_He was spiraling, he felt everything in extremes with no middle ground._

“Happy birthday dear Jared,”

_Evan made him feel safe but that wasn’t enough anymore._

“Happy birthday to you!”

_He couldn’t eat, food was all he had control over anymore. Avoiding it was all that brought him security._

Jared suddenly realized that he needed to blow the candles out.

Bending over, he stared at the candles blankly before inhaling deeply and extinguishing the flames in one long huff.

Jared thought about how easy it’d been to blow out those candles. They’d gone from raging and alive to simply nonexistent in a matter of seconds and with very little effort.

Maybe Jared was like those candles, it would be so easy to end his own life.

To be reduced to nothing.

 

Before he knew it, the piece of cake that his mother had been handed to him was reduced to mush.

The temptation to shovel it down his throat preoccupied him before the voice in his head that he’d gotten to know so well reminded him that _food was the enemy and would destroy him._

So he mashed it up with his fork and threw it away the second everybody else had finished.

“I hope you had a good day! I love you so much!” Evan told Jared with glistening eyes and an airy voice.

Jared showed a weak smile and walked Evan out to the bus stop.

A passionate kiss, a prolonged hug, and a regretful wave and the love of Jared’s life was on his way.

Jared was left to his own devices.

 

Speeding back through his front door, Jared sprinted up the stairs and slammed the door to his bedroom.

He finally broke.

Sliding down the wall, every feeling he’d repressed surfaced as he violently shook and sobbed. Scratching at his arms and pulling at his hair, he gasped for air.

It was like there was none.

He was ashamed at how many thoughts were about food and eating. Simply smelling too much of it made him feel like a failure. It started because he wanted to lose a tiny bit of weight _because maybe then people would like him more._

It had progressed to his strongest coping mechanism and his worst issue, a light in every awful situation but the cause for most of them.

Jared reflected on the act he put on every single day and the fact that he had next to nobody that he was close to.

Balling his fist, he turned to the wall behind him and drove his hand through it.

Despite the bloody crescents on his palm and purple knuckles, it was exactly what he’d needed to ground him.

Ignoring his shaking legs, Jared made his way towards the bathroom to shower.

He took his shirt off and stared at his reflection in the mirror.

There was no denying that the amount of weight he’d lost was monumental. You could count his ribs, his collarbones stood out against his skin, his thighs weren’t even close to touching.

There was also no denying that his health had suffered. His fingernails were blue, his hair was falling out, his skin was considerably paler than it used to be.

It was like he was a different person.

 

Staring at himself in the mirror, Jared felt a twisted sort of satisfaction.

He’d accomplished this, he had done it and he was determined to keep on going.

Then another thought plagued him. _Evan._

The boy would be shattered if he found out what Jared was doing to himself. The anxiety and sadness that it would cause him would be colossal, he wouldn’t even be able to function.

Jared felt his eyes well with tears once more.

He stood there for a few minutes, juggling the prospect of hurting Evan and the thought of continuing to lose weight.

The choice wasn’t too difficult.

He’d just need to make sure that his boyfriend never found out.

 

_Jared cried himself to sleep that night while thinking about calories, kilograms, and all the foods he could never eat._

_It wasn’t too much different to every other night, only he was older and somehow sadder._

**Author's Note:**

> sorry if this is ooc and shitty but today sucked and this is just me venting  
> thank you for reading!


End file.
